On being alone but not lonely

Ok, we are in blog form proper this week, but before I get started, I just want to say a huge thank you to all you wonderful folk who have sent messages of support, offers of help, and kept Jane in your prayers and thoughts. The number of people reaching out to us this past week has been absolutely truly humbling. I have passed on every message to Jane, and even where she has not been able to speak, she has shared a smile that sends a thousand words of gratitude. It is day 10 of Jane’s recovery, and in the past week she has had two operations on her brain, spent time in critical care, and is now back in the neurology high care unit, her home for at least the next 3 weeks, but maybe for the next 3 months. Jane is making progress, slowly, but steadily, and for that I’m grateful.

From almost day one, Jane has been missing her phone, something she’s very attached to, more on which shortly. And it was partly a phone story that caught my attention last week. Despite all the dreadful things going on around the world, one of the less serious news papers chose to print a story that purported to tell us, based of a collection of international research, when in any given day the most optimal time was to do various things. So, to reduce your risk of having a heart attack, wake up and drink your first coffee of the day at 06.50. The optimal time to have breakfast is 07.11 (I can’t imagine sitting at the table waiting for the big hand to hit 11 before diving into my cornflakes). The report lists many activities from when to take exercise (08.15), seeking the sun (11.55) and when to have the best sex (22.20).

It is the precision of the timings that amused me, but it was the photo that accompanied the section on when was the optimal time to eat dinner (18.14) that saddened me. The photo, (Credit to Getty) shows a group of folk part way through the meal, but who are all looking at their phones. The half-finished plates might indicate they are between courses, but I know when Jane and I eat dinner it is not only a chance to enjoy good food, but good conversation too.

I come from an age where the phone was tethered to the wall, usually the hall wall at home. Having a conversation with your friends was a high-risk exercise in case mum and dad, or worse still, a brother of sister overheard what you were saying. And goodness was there arguments about the amount of time you could be on the phone! As I have got older, I have lived through a very real technological and digital revolution. I’m sitting here typing this blog out on an iPad that has more computing power than most of the early clunky computers I owned. Likewise, my phone now gives me unlimited opportunities to communicate, search for information and take photos.

While all of this is wonderful of course, I do reflect on the possible negative impact such unlimited access to a digital world might have on our mental health and wellbeing. Childline published their latest data on the reasons children contacted their helpline last year. The NSPCC, which runs the service, reported that the number one reason for contact was loneliness*. It was loneliness caused by many things, like moving home and having to make new friends, being bullied by their peers at school, and seeing their friends having fun on social media and feeling they are somehow missing out and not being included. I guess these are challenges children across the ages will have experienced, so why should there be such a high number of children reporting their sense of loneliness. Being able to share how they feel is much easier these days of course, and the phone makes it even more so.

However, I can’t help but think a young person sitting in their bedroom, alone with their phone, experiencing the world digitally isn’t as helpful or as healthy as being with other young people exploring what the world has to offer together.  Probably it’s my rose-tinted glasses, but back in my day, being in your bedroom was to be avoided at all costs as it usually meant you had done something wrong. I’m pleased to see a growing number of schools banning phones being brought into a school. It’s a start, but as adults we also need to play our part and put our phones away and start to have different conversations with each other.

Back to Jane and her phone, despite much confusion and disorientation still, Jane got her phone back on Friday afternoon. She promised me she wouldn’t use it for emailing or messaging. Reading, watching tv or scrolling through social media isn't at this stage, particularly helpful for her recovery. Knowing this didn't stop Jane as I got messages at 00.28,  04.14 and last night at 03.38. All rather mixed up conversations. Was I cross? A little I guess, but in the end I just rolled over, a smile on my lips, knowing my Jane was close by. I may have been alone, but I wasn’t lonely.  

 

  

*In 2023, the World Health Organisation (WHO) declared loneliness to be a rising global threat, with its effect s on an individuals health being equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.